Guys, I have to do it. I'm sorry--truly, I am--but I'm going to have to be That Guy. You know, That Guy, the one who smells bad, speaks internet acronyms out loud, and knows far too much about things that don't matter in real life.
I have to, people. I apologize in advance.
So, I just watched Seven. And I wasn't tremendously surprised.
Oh, hell. I can already hear the mocking comments about fingers dusted with Cheeto glaze, and how you could push me down and I'd just roll away on Cheeto-supplied rolls of fat.
But regardless, and in all seriousness, if you haven't seen Seven, leave now. Don't come back. Serious spoilers below, and despite my bitching, it's a great movie and worth a watch. Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt, and Gwyneth Paltrow. Plus one more A-Lister (Jesus, did I really just use that phrase?) who will make you go "FUCKING WHAT?!"
Are they gone yet? Good.
Gwyneth Paltrow got her fucking head chopped off and put in a box.
I'm happy I got that off my chest. Anyway, I like Gwyneth Paltow, despite the fact that I had to look up how to spell her name. She's a good actress. (Or actor, or whatever politically correct B.S. way it's said these days.)
Anyway, I saw it coming. Sorry! If you say I'm a douche, I wouldn't blame you. I'm calling myself a douche right now, as I type this. But it was a bit predictable, if you know storytelling. (Jesus, I did it again. I apologize)
I mean, for the first third of the movie, Tracy (the big G.P.) was a puppy dog. Gwyneth was basically told to look sympathetic and vulnerable, particularly in the scene where she tells Morgan Freeman that she was preggers. It was an intentional build-up of d'awwwwww, one that makes much more sense if you view it from the perspective of a douche--gah, I meant writer.
And then G.P goes missing. Like, for half the movie. She's off-camera, right after the "sweetheart" stamp was mashed on her face thirty times. She's gone! Off-camera. I mean, jeez, it's Gwyneth Paltrow, she's like, super-famous. No way she got a meaningless role.
And another thing! There's a guideline in writing, particularly Western-style writing (those Japs just love breaking this rule), and it's All Things Must Serve The Plot. You just can't afford filler, not unless you're deliberately setting the stage for excessive sequelizing. Even then, the best writers layer exposition into the plot, like delicious lasagna. Nothing is thrown in without purpose, and nothing as majestic as the beautiful and talented Gwyneth goddamn Paltrow is wasted on plot-free filler.
When Kevin Spacey shows up (oh yeah, Kevin Spacey's the killer, and he's freaking great at it. Almost suspiciously great...) you know the writers know their stuff, and don't plan on wasting G.P. Spacey doesn't show up until the movie is three-quarters done, in a deliberately shocking way. Anyway, why am I telling you this? You watched the movie, right?!
Gwyneth (Jesus, it's getting annoying to type that) is dead. She just is. They gunned the motor for effect early on, and then hit a sweet-ass ramp made of guns and fireworks.
It works. It's cool. Brad Pitt is convincingly horrified and enraged when he hears about her head in the box, and Morgan Freeman is convincingly shocked and careful about confirming the head-box situation.
But, man, that build-up was just too obvious. I mean, Gwyneth Paltrow! The movie's almost done, and she hasn't had a significant role. This is one example of casting done poorly, to the detriment of the writing. God, I am such a douche.
Hell of a movie. It's got superb talent, guts(well-done gore is well done), and writing. This isn't an example of a heartless money-maker enlisting big names for box-office money. It's a beautifully performed piece of art... and a wonderful example of the difficulty of twist endings. Not every star aligned, or maybe not enough goats were sacrificed. I don't know, but I do know I loved that goddamn scene with Spacey, Freeman, and Pitt bantering in the car. I'd watch two hours detailing the many varieties of corn in turd logs for another scene like that.
Any movie suggestions? As you can probably guess, I'm more of a gamey-gamey, ready-ready type of nerd.
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